Hi, welcome back to another ELA post. Hope you all are doing well. And today’s topic is: friend, I deserve it. Do You Really Deserve Anything?
The “Fairness Instinct” and Its Flawed Logic
There must have been many such moments in life where you must have said to yourself or someone must have said to you that you deserve better. And you don’t deserve this. Did anyone get a flashback? But I think that in reality this whole concept is flawed in itself. Most of the time.
Look, we humans have something called fairness instinct. As you know, humans have evolved in small groups. Where reciprocity is survival. If you’ve helped someone hunt, you can expect that person to share some meat with you. If this doesn’t happen, the group dynamic will be disrupted. It will break because it puts your survival at risk.
Neuroscientists have found that the anterior insula, a part of your brain, fires up when you feel something is unfair. And this is the same reason that also responds to the feeling of disgust. So, in this part of our brain, a deep and wired sense of exchange fairness developed – I give, so I should receive.
But the problem is that this circuit is designed for direct social exchange, person to person. But unknowingly we start applying it and start feeling like this to the universe. Because the universe has nothing to do with you at all. The universe has no obligation to reciprocate anything.
How Childhood Conditioning Shapes Our Expectations
In childhood, when we were young, we were trained in a specific pattern. Do Good Receive Rewards, Study Hard, Get Good Grades, Be Obedient, God Praised. Touched the feet of elders. Wow, sanskar, you touched the elders, you are rude. This is called operant conditioning. BFF is a fellow named Skinner. He explained it very well.
The brain internalizes this conditioning to such an extent that it starts considering it a universal law. Efforts in get rewarded out. But in reality it is just a system designed by humans to manage other humans. Parents, schools, institutions have created it because it works as a control mechanism. With these simple words, you control a person by making excuses of culture etc.
But this foolish mind starts applying this logic to the universe that if I do good then good will happen to me too.
The “Just World” Hypothesis: A Coping Mechanism
Melvin Lerner was a psychologist in 1960. This gentleman conducted an experiment and found that people had a strange deep psychological tendency to forget that it was a World Fair. That people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. And he called it the Just World Hypothesis.
It means this and nothing else. It’s just a coping mechanism. If the world is just then bad things happen to bad people who do something wrong. If I do everything right, everything should be fine with me too. I have never done anything wrong to anyone, so why would anything wrong happen to me? All these things simply give the illusion of control in an uncontrolled world.
This is also why people blame victims. Hey, she was wearing short clothes. He must have given some signal, that’s why this happened to him. Hey, he is suffering the consequences of his own actions and nothing else. Because it’s accepting that bad things happen to genuinely good people. That too without any reason shakes their psychology. Because that means you’re not safe either. Anything can happen to you at any time.
Entitlement and the IKEA Effect
So when you say that I deserve this because I worked for it, on one hand it reflects your entitlement and on the other hand you are praying that please this world should be fair, which it is not.
Dan Ariely is a guy on a different level. I am sorry if I am pronouncing it wrong. But this man is a behavioral economist by profession. He demonstrated something called the IKEA effect. What happens is that the more effort you put into anything, the more you start overvaluing it.
They observed that people who assembled IKEA furniture themselves rated it more valuable than identical furniture that was pre-assembled and this is what happens with people, the more you invest your time, emotion, sacrifices for someone or for a goal, the more your brain starts increasing the importance of its outcome and you also get that feeling of entitlement that yes, I will definitely get this, then the more you have tasted it, the more you have convinced yourself that you deserve it. Not because you really do. But because your brain wants to protect this ego investment.
The Meritocracy Narrative and Its Pitfalls
This modern society, especially post-industrial capitalism, has spread the most stench, which runs on a specific story. That is hard work equals results. Now this meritocracy narrative is not completely wrong. Effort does correlate with results in many contexts. But it was overextended into a moral claim. That success is your strength and failure is your weakness.
Your efforts will definitely give results but it is not necessary that you get the same results that you want. That means do your work and do not desire the fruits. But this does not apply to any human being.
Michel Sandel I’m not sure if I’m pronouncing it right but Harvey K is a philosopher. He explained how this meritocracy breeds a specific kind of entitlement. He says that when you start believing that outcomes can be purely earned, you also start believing that you deserve your wins and others deserve their losses, and you ignore things like luck, privilege, timing, circumstances, which actually hugely influence outcomes. And it was named The Hubous of the Successful.
We See Our Lives as Stories
I would like to give one last reference to a psychologist. Dan McAdams found that people view their lives as stories, with themselves as central characters and proper plots. Like right now the protagonist is going through a struggle phase and now the protagonist deserves a resolution because he has endured so much.
This is relatable to a lot of people. We don’t just live experiences, we narrate them like a story, and in every narrative, the protagonist’s suffering makes them worthy. Creates an entitlement. For the reward. This is why setbacks seem unfair. Whereas that is just a game of your circumstances.
And while facing all these things, your mind starts writing the next chapter that yes, now the efforts will pay off. And when reality doesn’t follow your script, you feel like it’s unfair. I deserve better.
Conclusion: The Art of Letting Go
I have not come here to disappoint you by telling you all this. Rather I have come to say let it go. Brother, after a point, that golden dream that you have decorated. Let it go. I know you have made a lot of efforts behind it. I have worked hard for years for that dream of mine. But it is not necessary that every path takes you to your destination. Some paths are also for character development.
So move forward and learn to let it go. I agree that you have given a lot but all that should be reciprocated. This is not written anywhere.
A great example is the Buddhist monks who spend days creating intricate sand mandalas that are very detailed and beautiful. They make such a beautiful rangoli after putting in so much effort and in the end they erase it themselves because nothing is permanent and nothing is promised.
It is good if honesty is based on efforts. But if your focus is on the outcomes, then this feeling of deviance will also arise within you. Which leads to disappointment, sadness, pain, suffering why did this happen? But whatever happened, happened brother. But if you focus on your efforts, you will get what you want.
Whoever wants to stop will stop. Whoever wants to understand will understand. Otherwise, see you in the next one. Bye.
About The Author
Hemant Singh
Hello friends, I am Hemant, Technical Writer & Co-Founder of Education Learn Academy. Talking about education, I am a student. I enjoy learning things related to new technology and teaching others. I request you that you keep supporting us in this way and we will continue to provide new information for you. :)
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